I’m Back…Again

So here’s the deal, I’ve written and rewritten this post ten different times in ten different ways trying to find the perfect way to explain why I’ve been so quiet on the blog for so long and the thing is that this post is never going to be perfect, because I’m not perfect. So to get out of this perfectionistic trap I’m just going to write this as best I can and explain myself as best I can because as so many of the wonderful people I look up to have said, “done is better than perfect”.

I’ve been dealing with some health complications which really isn’t anything new for me but I’ve also been dealing with a pretty bad episode of depression which as anyone who has depression knows; sometimes just existing is exhausting. Living with chronic illnesses can be really hard on your mental and emotional health and I can attest to the fact that the ebbs and flows that come with chronic illness and the constant uncertainty is the opposite of helpful when dealing with chronic illnesses and a body that’s unpredictable by design.

I love writing and I’d absolutely be lying if I said I didn’t miss it; but for quite a while now I just haven’t been feeling even the slightest desire to write anything. I knew I had so many post ideas ready to go but I just didn’t have the desire to sit down and actually write. And even though I missed writing and wanted to write, I had zero motivation to do so. This feeling of wanting to write but not actually having the motivation then gets me in a cycle of guilt. I want to write, have no motivation to do so, then feel guilty for not just buckling down and getting to work. But our lives have seasons and sometimes we take breaks from things we love, and that’s ok. Sometimes we take breaks for no other reason than we just fall out of love with something or lose desire to do it, and that’s perfectly ok. There’s no reason to feel guilty for taking breaks from things because life isn’t a job and we aren’t measured based on our perceived productivity, even if it can really feel that way sometimes.

So when a week or so ago, I actually felt the urge to sit down and write I knew I had to hold onto that feeling because it was such a welcome feeling after being gone for so long. Writing has always been so cathartic for me and brought me so much joy that I knew if I was feeling the need to get back to it I should probably listen and get to writing. Now I don’t know how often I’ll be posting again or how long the posts will be; I just know that I want to get back to writing.

Finding things that bring you joy is an important step; but an equally important step is doing those things, regularly. Now I know it’s easier said than done when you’re mentally and emotionally exhausted, in pain, and really just want to get to bed by the end of the day, but just try, you deserve it. If it brings you joy you should feel good for doing it; life’s too short to not do things that light us up. It doesn’t have to be a big ‘to do’ or a stringently scheduled thing; it’s just about trying. Even one moment of joy a day can be so helpful for us and we just need to remember that we don’t need to earn our joy. We don’t need to accomplish a certain number of goals to be allowed something we like or do something we enjoy.

Now I know this post isn’t a literary masterpiece of any sort but it helped me get out of a rut and for that I’m grateful. So all that to say, I hope you remember what brings you joy and do even one of those things for just a moment today.